death

i woke up receiving a text message from someone.she said that a 5th former from 'kolek' had just died.OK.at first,i wasn't so sure what 'kolek' was.so i just assumed that the person was just a girl from TKC,the school of the person who sent me the bad news.i was kind of shocked,eventhough i just woke up.the person who was said to have died was named Engku.

about an hour before breaking the fast,i opened the profiles of TKC girls on facebook to see how their reactions were.i mean,she's a schoolmate.a classmate for some.even a dormmate for those fortunate enough.but i found was kind of confusing.they were all sending their condolences to a girl named Nur Amalina Mohd Amran,also known as Ama.at first,i thought Engku must be a dreadfully good friend of Ama.Everyone's sending their condolences to Ama.it's as if the whole news revolved around her.but then,it struck me.

once upon a time,i heard she had a boyfriend named Engku.eager to find out,i opened her photo albums.the guy who sat closely beside her in one of the photos was tagged with the name Engku Arif Adlan.so,it all seemed clear now.Ama's boyfriend had died due to an accident.

i read what was written on his wall.it seemed kind of unnecessary.with him gone,there was probably no one else who was going to take over it.but what people posted on his wall got my tears trickling.

frankly,i've lost a brother once.he was just 14 months at the time.but the thought of him not going to be around with the rest of the family got me trembling for a few days.i was 9 years old.but i realised that this was no video game.there are no more replays after game over.when your life ends,it ends.if knowing a baby for only 14 months would make me cry,i wonder what was happening to all of Engku's friends and family.

as i was reading the wall posts one by one,my tear glands were starting to function.i tried to hold them back.i felt the emotions of Engku's friends.some of them were like...

"engku.kau sorg je member batch yang panggil aku achit.i kinda like it.lepas ni dah xde member batch yang nak panggila ku macam tu.‌"

"asal ko blah doe..
aku rindu ko kowt..
ahaha..
aku kat sini still sygkan ko.."

"bro...ko janji bler ko free nak pick up aku naek motor...rumah kitekan dkt....tp allah lg sygkan ko...sorie dowh kalau ade benda yg aku bwat sakitkan hati ko....classmate........."

these wall posts really hit me.i was still holding back my tears when a dear friend of mine went online.she wanted to have a chat with me.while chatting,i was still reading the wall posts.she noticed my weird behaviour.she asked why.i said nothing.

suddenly,i imagined it was her who was in Engku's place.my tears started to trickle down as i imagined the words i would say to her.to lose a friend,is like to lose the world.throughout my 5 years in boarding school,she has been the light that shoned upon me.she gave me hope and inspiration.i would sometimes write essays in exams using her name.it helped a lot as it felt as if i was really writing to her.

i told her about Engku.then,i let my heart burst out.i was typing in tears.i couldn't really control it.she may not be my sister or girlfriend.but she was pretty much there when i needed someone the most.between all my former schoolmates,she was the one whom i kept in touch the most.thinking of not hearing from her ever again got me all sad and all.

after terawih,i went for a hot shower.inside the bathroom,i recalled three events.my grandfather's death,my brother's death and Engku's death.i didn't really feel my grandfather's absence.maybe it's beacuse i was too young to understand.but my brother's and Engku's death got me showering in tears.the way their deaths affect the people around them and me.what made me worried was the night before my brother died,my family were watching discovery channel about a preserved mummy of a child.the night before Engku's death,i was watching "Dead like Me".i didnt really watched all of it.but i understood that a girl had lost her love towards the end of the story.it seemed to be similar with Engku's case where Ama was like the character in the movie.

but all in all,everyone will eventually die.it's just that we don't know when and how or where we're going to die.we can only go on with our life and do the best to get His blessings.

before that,i would like to send my deepest condolences to Nur Amalina Mohd Amran for the loss of Engku.it's hard to lose someone especially the ones you love.i may be someone who doesn't really agree with the whole couple thingy.but you and Engku have shown us the true meaning of the phrase "i will always love you till death do us apart".