Time is running out

I had this very brief conversation with a friend of mine. She was telling me about stepping up and making my move. I really appreciate how a lot of people are looking forward to what will happen. But I just can't fulfill their dreams.. just yet.

Seriously, I won't take things for granted again. Just because people are saying everything looks good, doesn't mean it'll stay the same for a long time. Yes. I'll consider performing the istikharah prayers. But I won't jeopardize my studies just because of some distractions. My mother's love is still my number one priority.

Just to cool things off, I won't be thinking of any 'plans' until my Abg Fathul makes his move. I learned a lot from him when it comes to relationships. I know I'm the only one amongst my siblings who have never actually been in a relationship. There have been times when I was on the verge of doing so, but I'm very grateful that I'm able to hold on to my own beliefs. Yes, I consider myself to be the least attractive looking one out of the four siblings. Yes, I'm the only one who went to an all-boys high school. But since I do believe in Qada' & Qadar, I prefer not to work too hard in love and let Allah decide. I really am worried about Abg Fathul. At times, I'm sure I would become an uncle in the near future. Then again, there will just be some problems popping out every here and there. I do wish him the best.

Speaking of 'plans', I really had a tough time performing my Zuhur & Asar prayers just now. I kept on repeating the verses in Surah al-Fatihah 2 to 3 times at a time. And while all that happened, I was thinking about my grandmother. Alhamdulillah, my grandmother is looking quite healthy. Being a muallaf who got married at such a young age, she is able to stay alive to spend some of her precious moments with her greatgrandchildren. Yes. I am indeed grateful that she's still alive. My grandfather left us more than a decade ago. But the big family she has right now is pretty much her source of inspiration to keep on living. Then, a question popped up in my head while I was praying.

"How long?"

She's currently in her eighties. She might still be strong for now. But no one lives forever. We'll never know what will happen in the future. I always tell my family and friends that in 10 years time I will have a family, Insyaallah. I've set 30 years old as the dateline. 7th March 2023. But by that time, my grandmother will eventually be in her nineties. Yes. There are people who have lived up to 100 years old. But those are isolated cases. They don't apply to all the population on Earth.

The thought disturbed me badly in my prayers. I was thinking whether or not she will still be around the moment I slip a ring around my future wife's fingers. I didn't really cry. But it really hit me inside. She's been the talisman of our family for the past decade. I've seen how she's been giving out advises from time to time. It gets a bit frustrating and annoying at times, but we eventually learned to cope with it.

Then, I imagined myself crying on the day of my wedding. Happy to finally be united with the one I love. But sad because my little brother and grandfather won't be around to witness it. And who knows? My grandmother might just enter that list of absentees.

I shouldn't be so pessimist. But I'm just afraid.